More Bugs, Less Hair

Today I started feeling guilty for not being at work.  I'm thinking that may be one of the lessons I need to learn....uh, right.....I need to learn how to take time off and not feel guilty....that really may take some time... I'm willing to buck up and work on it!!  I must have thought if I was doing something productive there shouldn't be anything to feel guilty for? I decided to clean out my pantry. I have those little flour bugs..I don't even keep food in there any more but they are still there.  Anyway, this turned into a huge project.  I took everything out and ran to Target to get some Clorox, rubber gloves and a mask.  Isn't that ridiculous!  I had to wear rubber gloves up to my biceps and a mask to clean out cabinets?  It did make me rethinking the whole mask to the grocery store thing.  I don't know if I happen to have a particularly high water content in my breath or what , but how do you breathe through the condensation that little mask holds, I thought I was going to drown!....But do you know what the big lesson for the day was??  Never, ever do anything that involves little bugs when your hair is falling out...OMG.. every time  a little hair fell, which is quite often, I thought bugs were crawling all over me. I still have the willies.  It was exhausting... actually, I have to finish in the morning and put everything back tomorrow.  I have awesome friends that keep offering to help me...Whatever I need?  That's so nice..I do really appreciate it.  Problem is, I feel great, (right now).  It would just be wrong  if they cleaned out my garage...right???!!  Who knows what I'll find in there.

Good Blood, Bad Hair.

WooHoo!  My blood work from yesterday was normal...Ha.. That's the body I remember!  Volcanic eruptions cant' keep us down!!  It's amazing what the right nutrition can do for you. I've decided that my personal bipolar health care routine needs some consistency.  I'm always either all in or on the couch eating bon bons. . Last week I concurred the gluten free diet.  Of course, there wasn't much conquering going on, I mean, it's really hard to eat the delicious prepared meals? Oh well, whatever it takes,  I did stick to it and I think that's why I feel great!  Today I started working out again.  It felt good.  I found myself thinking about how easy getting ready will be with a bald head!  I postponed my head shaving party until next week.  I thought I'd have to have another round of chemo before it started falling out.  I thought wrong.   I'm thinking we should push it up a little...by next week I'm sure I'll be supporting a Trump do.  Last night the hair on the top of my head hurt...you know, like I just took corn rows out that had been in for two or three weeks...  Corn rows?  Is it still called that? It's that hair do at any island or beach resort that screams "tourist" on most anyone over 16....  If you've never had corn rows, or , I guess cancer, I know you're thinking how can your hair hurt?  It's like it got stuck in one position and it's to stiff to move, kinda like my knees when I sit "Indian style" for a couple hours after 40.  Yeah, yeah a couple hours is a huge exaggeration, make that two minutes, if I'm feeling especially limber!  Anyway, when I rubbed my head I came up with a hand full of hair.  It's a weird feeling.  and of course, considering my neurotic tendencies, I HAD to keep checking it.  It's amazing I still have any left tonight.  All day I would pull it just to see if it still was coming out.  I don't know, wouldn't most people be satisfied after, say, four or five clumps.  I think I checked every 1/2 hour all day.  Although, wouldn't you know,.... while I was driving, I did notice it doesn't seem to have the same effect on my ZZ Top beard or Pancho Villa mustache. That's just friggin awesome news....

It's the Little Things

 My immune system is definitely off my bff list right now.  The tiniest thing that in every day life I wouldn't give a ...wait not a second thought, not even a first thought about, creates unbelievable chaos.   It started on Wednesday in Sedona.  During the day I noticed a small bug, spider , what ever bite on my stomach.  No big deal.  It was really tender to touch, so I didn't touch it! It turned out to be obnoxious by bedtime.  It really started to hurt,  and somehow, it was the size of a cupcake... Wow, that whole gluten free diet thing is working...cupcake, really?  When I can equate that icky growth to my favorite food group, I just might see slenderness in my future!!...  Considering I now want to wear a hazmat suit to the grocery store, you can imagine how I might feel about the emergency room.  Why do things always get worse after 5:00 pm? I had just gotten an email from a friend casting her vote to shave my head.  She had a friend that did it after med school and SHE said it was quite liberating.  My friend did add that this lady just got back from a 3 year sabbatical which consisted of a silent Buddhist meditation, volunteering in Africa and relaxing in Singapore.  I'm not sure about the silent part.. Anyway, I remembered that this friend had had a spider bite on her finger AND she's a Dr.,  Sweet!!  I called right away...I may turn into her biggest nightmare the next few months!!  I was already on antibiotics so I was assured I would live until morning when I could call the oncologist.  Fast forward to today, Monday, blood drawing day.  I decided to ask the PA about the volcano on my tummy. That stupid little bite is delaying my chemo for a week. Oh, and FYI there's no deals to be made with oncologists.  Mine really doesn't care that I now have to postpone my head shaving party to next week... I mean really, it's not like you can have two head shaving parties.    Anyone have any spare white blood cells?!

The End of the Week and my Sanity?

I haven't written for a couple days so this might get a little lengthy.  There are these little things bouncing around my brain! None of them have anything in common, but we'll just see where we end up.  I ended up coming home.  I came back from Sedona Friday instead of Sunday.  I had a certifiable, crazy lady break down. The day did start off a little crazy,  I had to change hotels, then I didn't, then I did, then I didn't, then I did.  So after I packed up...why did I bring up all this stuff here? I've worn two pairs of pajamas and my robe.....I went to lunch with my mom's friend Shirley and her friend.....Oh crap...I forgot her name.. she was a super nice lady...We had a great time or at least I had a great time.  Yes, my mom even arranged for me to have company... I told them probably WAY more than they wanted to hear about me.  I guess I had a little cabin fever.  Anyway, while we were in line at Wild Flower a couple handed me an envelope and said it was for a free breakfast or lunch.  I was either looking like I needed some help or had an amazing aura.....uh, you know, we were in Sedona.   I said Thank You, and started to ask what it was for and they were gone.  It was a gift card for $20.  Where the "To:, From:" section was they drew a heart.  I wanted to yell after them "I'll pay it forward"... I get it!  Oh, and I'm choosing to think I had an amazing aura going on, not that I looked homeless.  Anyway, as for the rest of the day, let's just say if you're in business, or actually, in life in general, don't say you can do something if you can't, and especially don't do it five times in one day to the same person.  Even people who are being nice have a breaking point.  I guess the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" exists for a reason.  I blew, used some inexcusable language, and went home.  My loss.  I did get some desperately needed sorting and cleaning done with the extra time at home, so all is not a loss.  Most of you know what a neurotic organizer I am...you remember when I couldn't wait for "Organized Living" to  open so they could organize my life...turned out that wasn't what they did, but now I have a container for everything. ..Plastic shoe boxes with Polaroid pictures of the shoes in them. Enough said.  Now my Dr. bills, Prescription bills, insurance statements, Dr. instructions, etc. are all nice and tidy in pretty Ed Hardy notebooks.  By the way, the irony that Ed Hardy and my cancer are both on their way out is not lost on me.  I have so much more to tell you, but I'm finally sleepy and going to bed.  Tomorrow you can look forward to the saga of the gargantuan dilemma brought on by a bite...not sure what kind of bite, maybe a spider, maybe a gnat, but what a problem!!

Help! I'm Thinking of Shaving My Head...

Another beautiful day in Sedona! I actually bathed and was walking around the grounds for at least 30 minutes....okay, I was looking for an Ice Machine, but I did get some exercise!!  I sat outside and read; I  feel totally human and almost healthy! Since I know I'm going to live again, I've been thinking about my hair.  I asked the Dr. three times during my last 15 minute appointment if she was sure I was going to lose it.  Was I going to lose it all, or will it just be super super thin? What's the deal?  This is a very valid question, even though she has told me I was going to lose it probably three times before.  The thing is... it seems that in this whole realm of cancerdom, nothing is to specific.   Am I going feel the same after the next round of chemo? Is the first chemo treatment the worst because of the unknown? Will we be able to do surgery after the first four treatments? Since my bones didn't hurt after this shot, does that mean they probably won't?  Is my white count always going to be low?....Anyway, you get the idea.... The answer is ALWAYS "everybody reacts differently" Why then are we ssssooooo sure I'm going to lose my hair?  From what I've heard from friends, family, friends of friends, friends of family's friends.....your know, everyone has a couple stories....waking up to find clumps of hair on your pillow, or handfuls of hair come out when your washing it, is traumatic. Given all that, I'm thinking of going ahead and shaving my head.  What do you think?? That makes it my decision...kinda.  I don't know, in some weird way, it makes it seem .....like I have some kind of control? Is that it?  It wouldn't be the first stupid decision I've ever made.  Ask my Mom! I have to make the decision pretty quick, chemo is Tuesday.  All I do know, is that if I do shave it and  it doesn't fall out.....I'm going to be pissed!!!

A Shout out to all the Commentors

Before now, I really didn't know what a blog was.  I don't know how to twitter and I'm kind of a face book voyeur.  I rarely post a comment for the day....Now, I'm popping up like a farmville conglomerate.  Hope I'm not being annoying.  This is kinda therapeutic for me, it makes me stop and laugh at my behavior and sometimes just take the sting out of the situation.  It's a great venue for some friends and family to "stay in the loop".  I really appreciate your comments, thoughts, and prayers.  It might seem trivial to you to take the time to type a couple lines but it truly lifts my spirit.  Anyway, I just wanted to take the time to let you all know how grateful I am for you.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Don't Laugh at the Germ Phobic with a Mask, It might be ME!

OMG.  how much can I really sleep.  I woke up at 7:30, ate breakfast, and decided it was way to early to actually get up for the day, so I went back to bed.  After all, I was up like every hour til my fever broke about 2am.  It's legal to still be in bed. Wow, really?  I'm justifying staying in bed to myself.  This lesson might take some time. Woke up again about 12:30, ate lunch, hmm, still tired....I finally got out of bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and ventured out into the world.  The only reason I actually got out of bed is because my breakfast will be way better with some milk, make that almond milk, that's what's allowed at the moment.  I really needed a couple of things from the store and of course forgot all my chargers at home.  Mission accomplished, I was home by 3:45, what? I thought it had to be close to 6 or 7, I mean I just got up at 2 and I feel like I've climbed Pikes Peak??  When you don't feel great and know how compromised your immune system is the grocery store is a VERY scary place.  After one trip, I'm definitely considering a mask!  Yes, me.  I've laughed at them and think every baby should suck on someones nasty toe under the table at a family gathering just to build their immune system.  Hmm, maybe there's a reason God didn't bless me with my own kids.  I've never been a germ phobic, but I really didn't want to touch that grocery cart. There was an old man in produce that kept sneezing, the actual produce employee was sniffing, and OMG I just went to Staples to try to get a charger, I'm sure all the back to school germs were running amok.  I got the only cashier with a cold she kept coughing, granted, she covered her mouth then touched every single item in my cart when she scanned them. I was sure I was going to die before I got to the car.  Everything I bought was contaminated...except for the can of Lysol....I went to a different cashier when I went back in for it.  To sum it up, I swear the nice shopping music turned into the theme from Psyco, and everywhere I looked noses were running, people were sneezing, coughing and some looked feverish.  Next time I'm wearing a HazMat suit! No wonder I was exhausted when I got back!  I slept the rest of the day.  Ate dinner, and my plans....yep.  Back to bed.

My Body isn't Cooperating??

Tuesday, Sept. something


Today was my first check up with Dr. Meng, the oncologist.  I had been feeling awesome.  The last two or three days had been mentally stressful and I was a little tired.  I knew all my blood work etc. was going to be good!!  I'm not bragging, but really, my life has been and is pretty great.  It hasn't always been a cake walk, but most of the people who know me believe I can have fun in a cardboard box.... I'm not really sure if that's a compliment and probably the reason I dye my hair blond,  but, it works for me!  Anyway, back to the appointment.  My white count was super low, I have a low grade fever, and oh ya, now that I'm thinking of it, my throat kinda hurts?  What?  My body has always done anything I want it to....well, except stay effortlessly skinny..  At the gym, everybody always said how strong I am....which is great, but at the time I would have opted for skinny!  Not now.  Wow, really, how many lessons do I still need to learn??  I don't know if I already "blogged" this.. if I did, feel free to skip ahead...but I truly believe that my Guardian Angel, I like to call Burt, or God has sent so many people into my life the last 3 or 4 years that have tried to make me focus on my life, where I want to go, and what I want to do.  Me, I kept saying yeah, yeah, right, right, as soon as I get this in order or figure out that for them... So, Burt, because, really,.. I'm not going to say God gave me caner, even though in a month and a half I've grown more than ever before and found my voice.....  Okay, where was I, focus... well actually, I'll just get this out of the way.  I usually speak in asides... I'll veer off on some totally unrelated subject that eventually will actually relate back to the original topic in the end.... friends have said..."wait for it...wait for it..AAAwwe.. no way I thought that was coming back!"  Anyway, so Burt has finally said "Really? ... This is what it's going to take?"  For some of us, I guess it takes a little longer.  All I'm saying, is pay attention!   My plans were to head to Sedona after my appointment and chill for a week.  You know, I'm just following Dr. Rubin's orders!  My Mom graciously gave me her timeshare week and picked up my food at Nourish.  Dr. Meng said go.  Okay, what did I just say?  Pay Attention!!  What? When I got here, I had a 100 degree temp, looked like dead man walking, and could barely lift myself out of the car.  I paid the bellman $50 to unload my car, put my food in the fridge and close all the black out shades.  What an idiot I can be!  I ate my yummy, not joking... really is yummy gluten free...blah, blah, blah food so I could take my antibiotics the super smart Dr Meng gave me and went to sleep.  I get it... I'm resting!

Is That Drool on my Chin?

Sunday, September 19

Holy Cow!  Okay, I have to admit it .... chemo kinda kicks your ass!  I'm pretty tough, but run like a baby when I'm nauseous.  Go figure..that's the big one here.  I have to be nauseous.  I'll take or do anything not to be nauseous, unfortunately, that explains the lost week!!  I pretty much slept,  I don't know, slept or  just stared into space, but you definitely could find drool on my chin if you looked!  I probably over medicated myself the first two days after chemo, but really...., I wasn't going to run a marathon and my mom wasn't going to let me get out of bed anyway!!
Last time I "blogged" was right after chemo.  I felt good that day and the next.  The shot really stings, but other than that no real complaints.  It's a weird feeling, it's like your waiting to feel really bad, not that you have to, but you know your going to.  I had this battle going on in my head.  On one hand,  I know I'm going to be the person that it doesn't effect.  You remember, the whole super hero wanna be thing....single handily crushed chemo with a glancing blow....Whatever! On the other hand, well, let's make that hand reality.....I've just had a boatload of poison injected into my veins, chances are, I'm probably going to feel it.  I did.
Week one is done.  I'm glad it's over, but I definitely need to do things differently.  My mom and I met with a naturopathic oncologist, Dr Rubin, on Friday and have a plan.  Food seems to be the biggest problem.  Everyone wants you to eat, but I'm definitely not hungry and nothing tastes good.  Actually, cold mashed potatoes are delicious! It's really not important as to how one actually figures out that cold mashed potatoes are good, but trust me they are.  Anything that comes out of a can tastes like worms, other than that it's all a crap shoot.   Everyone reacts differently.  Dr. Rubin recommended Kirstin at Nourish to  help with a meal plan, gave me some supplements and recommendations to help my body deal with the chemo, nausea etc.  And now the reason I Love, Love Dr Rubin is that he recommended I take 3 or 4 weeks off to get my food and exercise program together!  Sweet! Okay, really he just said 3 weeks.  That's what I'm doing.  Lloyd has been awesome about the time off, my mom has been here everyday trying to figure out what to cook and how to help.  Lisa has gone to all my appointments, Terri stops by whenever she can, and Denise flew in from Colorado.  The thing is, there's no instruction manual.  There are great books out there.  My favorite is "My Crazy Sexy Cancer", but we all have to figure out how we're going to deal. I apologize to everyone I've been short with or down right mean to.  We're all doing it right...It's all just different!

First Chemo Treatment

This is kinda like a weird social club.   My mom and I got here with all my "stuff".   I had to bring three or four books, anyone who's shopped with me knows how I make decisions...I'll just take them all....right?  My laptop, G2, crackers, phone, my pillow and blankey,  I don't know, pretty much more than I can carry, according to my mom and more than I can take next time.... Yesterday they told us I'm not supposed to lift over 2lbs. for 2 weeks.  My mom just knew my port was going to pop out of my chest carrying my purse! 
So basically, you sit in the office with other people getting chemo kinda behind a half wall looking out the window at a parking lot.  It's like lazy boy nirvana.  You sit in this big comfy chair, you have a TV and can basically can do whatever you want.  I didn't have to have a TV volume war with the cute little old man in the corner because I was to busy with my support team. My entourage was fun! My mom , Terri, Lisa, and Aunt Georgia all came and went during the 4 hours I was there.  Thank you ladies, you make me laugh and that's the best medicine I had all day! They told me to plan on 6 hours ( see comments above...I was definitely ready!) I feel fine.  Still kinda tired, but I think that my body is just getting used to the port thingy.  OH ya, and fighting cancer.  The only thing that is kinda freaky is when they put the chemo in your iv, the nurse has these big rubber gloves on so it doesn't accidentally touch her...what?  Oh, and how did I forget the best part?  They have shopping there!!! 
Tomorrow I go for a shot that starts with an "N" and it helps white blood cells.  I'll let you know how it goes!

Port "Installation"

I asked, it's not installation, it's procedure...  I got a Power Port.  I always knew I was destined to be a Super Hero!!?  The PA told me what she was going to do and that you would be able to see where the tube goes over the collar bone " because you don't have any fat over that bone".  Great, that and my ear lobes are the only places on my body that fat is not in abundance.  Anyway,  the whole " procedure" was pretty easy, actually I felt awesome while it was in process.  The Dr. even let me choose the music.  Wait, I asked for Pink and got Snora Jones??? Wow, those drugs were amazing.  After the surgery, not so much.  I got that clammy, omg, I'm going to throw up thing going on.  My mom got me home and into bed.  The migraine I had woke up with was now raging.  FYI, Migraines must not like Snora either, because that was the only part of the morning it disappeared.  I slept all afternoon while my mom made me chicken soup, got my prescriptions, went grocery shopping, and did my laundry.  You gotta love moms!  Thanks for all the calls , texts, visits and comments on this blog!  They are all much appreciated and I feel the luv!!  Oh and Loretta,  I'm not buying the time line on that hat!!

Where Did Those Two Weeks Go????

September 12, 2010

So it's Sunday, the day before I get my port, and two days before I get my first chemo treatment.  This was all moving sssoooo slow and now it's here.  I'm kinda freaking out.  I think I need to be getting my house cleaned up, doing something to my back yard, and I'm just laying here watching football and movies. 
When Lisa and I left the surgeons we went and ran errands.  I had to get a juicer and a cancer survivor ring.... yes I did....I blinged my cancer.  It's like this process wasn't moving but sped by?? I still don't know how to use my juicer, I'm sure all the fruit and vegetables are rotten, and my ring isn't ready yet.  The next week I was poked and prodded so many times, by Saturday I felt like a glowing pin cushion!! Although I must say the most relaxing parts of the week was laying perfectly still in those machines...Is something just wrong about that?  Tuesday was the MRI, Wednseday...blood work, Thursday... Bone Scan,  Friday.....CT Scan, then wait.  Finally, the surgeon calls. Looks like a better idea to do chemo first. I made an appointment with the onocologist and had one more appointment with the surgeon.  I'm borderline between Stage 1 and 2.  The bone scan and ct scan are clear...Yeah!.. The MRI showed that it is larger than we originally thought, and is attaching or getting very close to the chest cavity.  The plan is to confine and shrink it before we get it out.  Evidently a cancer cell has barely visible kinda tennecle looking things and since we want to get it all and the lymph nodes are involved we're doing the chemo first. The plan is to take less lymph nodes and it not spread it.   It is grade 3, which means it is invasive and fast growing.  Obviously you would rather be a grade one, but then I always have been an over achiever.  The good thing about grade 3 is that it responds well to chemo.
Basically this is the plan. 

Friday: Pet Scan
Monday: Install .. wait, is that a construction term or did they say that?.. Anyway, I get the port..I'm dereading that the most.  I've been kneading that spot right under my colar bone all week!
Tuesday: Chemo.

The Chemo will be Adriamycin and Cytoxin, every 2 weeks for 4 treatments.
Then another MRI to see if we can do the surgery.  I hoping so....I know I'm being active and treating it but I want it OUT!...oh..and the new boobs.  :)  Would that make me bald and buxom?!   The oncologist already burst my bubble, evidently, chemo is not a weight loss plan...Damn.. I've tried everything else!
Then comes Taxotere (chemo) and Herceptin (an antibody against Her2).  That combo very 3 weeks for 4 doses.  The Herceptin continues for a year.

I'll lose my hair after the 2nd dose...please send hats!!  My "mall hair" isn't going to cut it!
I'm super  comfortable with my team.  My mom still wants a second opinion.  I'm not really sure why I just don't want to.  I trust and like the people I have.  I'm going to a natruopathic oncologist on Friday.  I've heard great things about him too.  It should make the chemo a lot easier to take.  I'm planning on working and living as usual...maybe taking more time for myself and not over thinking everything!  Anyone have any suggestions about a second opinion......
Tomorrow I'll let you know how it feels to be supporting a port!

It's Official

August 27, 2010

I think people think I have lost my mind.  I've been wallowing in depression for the last six months to a year,  I get cancer and bam,  I seem practically giddy compared to what I was..  WTF is that about??   Granted it comes and goes, but for the most part I feel better.  Sure, it sucks that I have cancer, but I just need to get rid of it and move on.  I've always been the person who lives in the moment, loves life and fun!! Time to get back to it!  Lisa went with me to the surgeon.  We loved the surgeon.  I'm not sure what people were talking about.  He's doesn't sugar coat anything, listens, answers questions,  and you don't feel rushed or like a number.  He told me as much as we know right now, I have invasive ductile carcinoma.  It is grade 3.  The lymph nodes are suspicious.  I am a candidate for all three available surgeries, chemo, and probably not radiation, unless I opt for a partial mastectomy, which means no new matching boobs...no thanks!...oh and greater risk of coming back.   To know more we need more tests.   Everyone I have met in this field, including other surgeons have told me he is an excellent surgeon.  That's what I need, I'm not looking to marry him, I just want him to get this shit out of me!  I'm good, throwing the other numbers away.

Biopsy Day

August 24, 2010

Just a note for anyone going with someone getting a biopsy.  You are going for support.  A person with a numb boob can still operate a vehicle.  I know it's hard to believe, but trust me on this one.  This trip is about the person getting the biopsy.  However self-absorbed or grandiose this may sound, just go with it, you will have a much nicer day and be appreciated.  If you are not able to do this, do NOT volunteer!

When the biopsy started it was so quiet in the room.  Then, I thought the nurse told the doctor that she liked her cast.... I had to speak up: "Really, you have a cast?  Like I don't have enough on my mind, your handicapped?"  Turns out the nurse liked the doctor's dress.  I liked that idea much more. Once I started talking, I did what I normally do when I'm nervous...I talked incessantly though the entire procedure.  I had to ask what things were looking like... I've learned that "very suspicious"  is a
"no comment" way of saying "cancer".  Now I have to wait 2 to 3 days to get the results.  My Mom is still wanting me to get a second opinion.  All I want to know is what do I get a second opinion of ?? Is someone going to tell me it's not there? What?


October 16, 2017
Ok... This is several years later and I'm just reading this wondering how I got to be where I am.  The thing about this post that I still remember is how my mom wouldn't let me take my car.  She insisted on driving hers... well, anyone who knows me knows that I get car sick when I'm riding with my mom in her car!  I remember getting so mad!  It seems so silly now , but I think it was just about having control over something....Oh and that she said she was going to try to get her car serviced....REALLY.. . I think I just wanted the day to be about me...omg..how self absorbed???? Another WTF!

Mayo Clinic and "The Broadcast"

August 19, 2010

I just want to say:  I love my mom.  She has made me who I am today.  I know this is really hard for her.  In some ways probably harder for her than me.  I know that if she could take this from me and put it in her she would. BUT..she can't.  It's in me... I get to decide how I'm going to deal with it.  I'm sorry if this comes across harsh or mean.  It's just that right now in my life I need to do what's good for me.  If I fail it's all on me and really... no one will be more disappointed than me!!.  My mom wants me to go to Mayo.  What is the deal with Mayo?  Everyone has an opinion about it, but no one says why they either love it or hate it.  I called.  It's not  "preferred" for my insurance, this ordeal would cost me 10x more money than it's already going to.  If the care is 10x better,  I'm all for it, but is it?  I even called Mayo to make an appointment.  They were even a little mystified as to why I wanted to go there with the insurance I have, but I still made the appointment.  So, I called the really nice nurse that set up my biopsy and asked her what the deal was.  She said if you have something rare that your doctor can't figure out...go to Mayo.  That's what they specialize in.  I have, not to minimize, but your regular garden variety breast cancer.  My doctor has recommended a surgeon that used to be his partner.  I love my doctor.  He is super smart and talks way over my head , usually with more info than I interested in!  The reason I go to him is because I trust him to take really good care of me.  A lot of people told me how "curt" and to the point this surgeon is, and how he has no bed side manner.  At first I was determined to find another one.  Of course I had not even met him.  I made the appointment, but am really ready not to like him and find a woman surgeon.  I cancelled my appointment at Mayo, and kept the numbers of two other female surgeons.  I 'm kind of jumping the gun, but the more information I get and plans I make, the more in control I feel.  That's an important thing right now.  There is so much going on with my body that I don't have control of, the few things I can are treasured.  That leads to the a huge problem I have with my mom.  Again...please read the first line... My mom decided to tell everyone and their dry cleaner that I have cancer.  Really, shouldn't that be my decision?  My preference would have been to find out exactly what the problem is, what we're (we're as in the doctors and me) are going to do about it, and then tell people.  Now,  I have to call any one I think should hear it from me instead of Waste Management tomorrow.  Great way to spend a Saturday...Hi Dad, I have cancer...Don't know what I'm going to do about it...AAAUUGH.

"A Cancer"

August 18, 2010

The Dr. said "a cancer", really, is that how you say it?  Is that even proper English?   Do you put an "a" in front of it?  "a cancer" it just sounds wrong.  I guess the semantics don't really matter.  It is what it is and it changes how you think about everything!  You can't even believe the spine I'm growing.  For all of you who thought I say whatever I think before, be afraid!!  There's a lot more humor in things that "shouldn't" be funny. Is the 24th really as soon as we can get the biopsy done?  They said you really can't be sure until you get the biopsy report?  I'm questioning everyone, calling Dr.s  "how do you know?" "what's next?"  This is really a hurry up and wait process.  I'm thinking worse case scenario is  "For god sakes.  Everyone loses weight on chemo...I hate my new haircut...AND I get new boobs!"  I hope I'm not offending anyone who has been through this process, we all have to deal how we deal.  I may sound flippant.  I'm not.  I know this is serious and it's not just a chancre sore, but really what can I do?  It's there,  I have to get rid of it, change the traits I have that made it grow, and move on.  I have to confess, I am kinda excited about the new boobs!

"How long has it been there?"

August 16, 2010

Damn, I wish I would have crossed that one off my "to do" list....It wasn't really a priority to learn how to do a self check.  No one in my family has had breast cancer.  I'm the strong one!  Other people get cancer.   I'm not going to get it.  Come to think of it, how did I even find it?  I knew it was there.  I made the appointment for my "annual" physical.  Make that annual, plus how ever many more months I can take of Lloyd bitching at me to do it, physical...Thank God for Lloyd!   This particular year I put it off because I HAD to loose some weight before I went.  It's like cleaning the house for the house cleaners.  Everything has to be perfect.  Last year I had perfect blood work etc.... WTF is that???? I just thought it wasn't anything.  It got bigger and smaller, cancer doesn't do that....right?  I don't think I asked if it was anything.  I had my exam, the Dr didn't say it was anything...Did I even ask?  I mean that's why I went... but really, did I say, cop another feel so you can tell me something I don't want to know.....I doubt it.  He gave me my regular test orders. Usually, I promptly file them.  This year I did get a chest x-ray,  it was good.  I'll do the mammogram as soon as I have time.  Okay, six months later...Holly Shit! Is that a bruise on that knot?  I probably fell or bumped into something...maybe I better make that appointment.  I actually had a huge debate in my head about checking the "new lump" box.  The machine will pick it up if it's anything.  I'm really good at blind faith, that is , in anything but myself.  I took a breath and checked the box.  They signed me up for the diagnostic mammogram.  The lady taking the pictures kept saying " How long have you had this?"... I'm not a rocket scientist, but that didn't sound to promising! And really after the third "I'm not sure", give it up.  I'm pretty sure that this smashing your boob process does NOT release  any memory cells! After the diagnostic mammogram that led to the ultra sound, which led to the look on that radiologists face that said there's a mass to dense to be a cyst and there's inflammation at the lymph nodes.  You need to do a biopsy.  Got dressed, well, I must have I was sitting in an office and the really nice nurse was saying "let's put you in the 80% category of people whose biopsies are negative"..did you see the radiologist's face?  Okay?  That lasted a whole hour and a half.  I got back to work, my Dr. called and said "I just got your ultra sound results, Toni it looks like you have a cancer in your right breast"...done pretending.  Biopsy is scheduled for August 24th.