Gloom Excuses...Doesn't Even Sound Right!

It's the twenty fifth and I'm tethered to the chemo drip.  Only two more to go...woo hoo!  Apparently, I've been gloomy!!  I know... that's why I haven't been writing!!  (thanks for the little butt kicking, Bo)  Turns out I had an excellent reason to be sleeping 12 hours a day...I had about 2 white blood cells in my whole body!   My white count had dropped to critical and my good ole bod was just  trying to keep up.  I had to come in for three stingy shots to give it an immediate boost.  I was told my immune system was so compromised that I should not even eat raw fruits and vegetables, let alone go in public.  Unfortunately, hermitty is my new m.o., so I kinda feel better when I have a legitimate excuse to lock myself in my house!!  Once I got a little more energy I started some projects in my "female cave" ..... why does that sound so awkward when " man cave" doesn't...oh,...wait, by the way, I mean art projects in my garage!!  I had awesome inspiration.  My friend, Meg Harper, was in the art show in Carefree last weekend and stayed at my house so she wouldn't have to drive back and forth from Mesa everyday.  It was great to have her there, although, I am sympathetic to anyone who is in earshot because when I am around people I talk incessantly!  In my head I'm going "SHUT UP", but just keep going.  It's a terrible side effect of hermititus!!  Anyway, you should all check out her website, megharper.com.  She is as amazing and uplifting as her art.  This past weekend my Aunt Becky, Uncle Tom, Karen and Arnie visited....again, I had an awesome time.  I think I may have conquered one lesson I think I  was supposed to learn a little to well...They put all my Christmas stuff away, cooked and cleaned, put up my hammock, and Aunt Becky helped me with my volunteer AQRA paperwork. ...the lesson is letting and asking people for help, saying thank you and not feeling guilty. Who knew...they feel great in the giving...or are really good pretenders!   Their visit was short, but very sweet.  I'm really going to miss my Aunt Becky's delicious cookies, but I wouldn't blame them if they didn't want to come back....who knows what kind of huge project I may have going!
I've done a lot of .....what do you call it...soul searching....looking at my life with a magnifying glass....inner reconciling??? What ever you call it..that...that's what I've been doing the last three weeks.  I don't know if it's because every time I walk past a mirror I have a harsh reality check.  I look like Papouli!!! That would be a Greek Grandfather...to my family, I'm sure it brings up a vision of a very, very old Papouli with a blue bathrobe and really nasty toe nails! (the toe nail part was for you, Loretta...visions of pruning shears!)  I guess if I wouldn't run around the house in men's flannel pajama bottoms, a wife beater, and my baldish head...I really do look like my name should be Gus...it wouldn't hit so hard.  Speaking of my baldish head, my hair is growing in....it's about a quarter of an inch long and oh so grey...white..whatever, I feel ancient.  They keep saying it's going to fall out again...I wish it would, I actually like bald better.!  If I knew it was going to stay I would do this speed grow process...kinda like chia pets.... so I could color it!! I think that's what started the whole inner perspective process...I really don't think it's vanity...I think I really didn't know I was this old!  And of course, that makes you think of where your at and how you got there.  I do have an amazing life, but I've kinda got here by the seat of my pants!  I have lived a very unconscious life...since I can have fun in a cardboard box, I just kind of stay where I'm put and make the best of it. ....BUT is it what I want...OR what the world, family, or friends expect.. Do I even care whose "idea" or path I went down..Do I take living in the moment to the extreme?..Who Me? Weird!...anyway, somewhere I lost , or never had, the notion that this is my life.  It seems kind of late to be deciding what I like.  Aren't you supposed to to do that when your 3 ... or at least teens and twenties.  Where was I?  I'm not saying this in a gloomy or sad way, it's just one of those aha! moments, or maybe a wtf momment!  Everyone I meet in my shoes say this whole process is a life changing experience.  I get to choose if it's going to be a positive or negative experience.....oh, wait...I think my whole life has led me up to this point...I can even be happy in my (temporary) little cancer box!  Is my lesson is to maybe be happy, but maybe a little more conscious in my box?..by the way I already know my box is round!!!

Where Did I Hide First Gear?

Okay, ...so I'm back on chemo.  I started last Tuesday.  I had an appointment with Dr Meng on Monday,..... we had our little chat.... My mom almost fell out her chair when I told the Dr she didn't walk her talk.  We worked things out, we'll see how it goes.  Anyway, when she asked when I wanted to start ......and what was I thinking????......I said tomorrow.   I was really dreading it, when I've had to go into the office for anything, a shot or an appointment, I can't stand the smell of the place,  I can't get out of there fast enough, I don't want to be nice to anyone...and I said tomorrow?   Due to the short notice, there wasn't a big party.  May faithful attendees...my Mom and Thea Georgia were by my side.  It wasn't that bad.  I didn't get nauseous and didn't feel to bad.  I don't know if it's was the steroids or the dread, but it made me really hungry.  The Dr said to go for comfort foods....nothing that would be healthy. ... really?   No fruit, salads, etc.  Nothing acidic.  How did she know that my comfort food group didn't include apples, celery and spinach? HA!  hmmm, probably the size of my butt!!  Big mystery there!  Of course, that's what sounds good now...I'm such a two year old..just tell me I can't have something and that's what I have to have...
So, now I'm back on the poked and prodded path.  Ugh.  I'm back at Dr Rubin's office getting Vitamin C IVs, I've filled my pill box with the appropriate vitamins and we're going forward!...Have I talked about my pill box?  It is ridiculous...any self respecting yiayia would be green with envy!!  This week has gone pretty good.  I haven't felt horrible, but I haven't felt great.  I'm sleeping like 12 hours a day.  I'm trying to decide if I'm depressed or it's really that hard on my body.  The only side effects ...besides sleeping so much is heartburn....I guess that's what it is?  From my Adam's apple all the way down just burns.  The first two days were funny.  I kept saying I'm not going to be sick, I'm not going to be sick, I'm not going to be sick....oh when am I going to be sick!  If heartburn is the only issue, I think I can handle it.  Only three more to go...the next one is the 25th.  I think the hard part of this whole thing is how long it lasts.  It's not just here take this prescription, or recover from this surgery..... it just keeps going on and on.  I need to get moving, doing something, but  I just go back to sleep.  The rest of the world keeps running, and I'm stuck in neutral.  Any suggestions on how to find at least first gear?